I have been having a dream lately …
In the dream, I am at the beach, and like most dreams, I am looking at myself. I am coming out of the water and I appear to be a bit older. I have gray hair. I am tan.
But that is not the most striking image.
The most striking image is that I am thin.
Not thin to the point of being skinny, but to the point of my chest, shoulders, and abs are noticeable.
I am not alone in the dream, but that is not the point of it at all (though it does add to it for sure). What I am seeing in this dream is what I am hoping to be at some point. I know this, and it is not something that is uncommon to most people, so what makes this dream stick in my head, unlike the majority of my dreams?
The fact that I am older and gray.
That part is very striking to me.
I have always been a very lucid dreamer. I am normally aware when I am dreaming that I am, in fact, dreaming. I have also been able most of my life to make myself dream about subjects before I fall asleep. I am not sure if this is something that is learned or something that I was just born with, but I have been able to do this since I can remember.
When I was having a hard time with my step-father in my early teens I dreamt that my father (who was killed when I was three years old) came to me and stood in my bedroom door and talked to me about it. I am sure I willed that to happen.
I am never “heavy” when I dream. Perhaps that is just the way I view myself in my minds-eye. Someone who is perpetually 20-years old and healthy.
It is not the case, but it is the ideal.
I think this is weighing (no pun intended) on my mind because I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my weight again.
I have not been 100% on my eating, and I know this. I am not one to let myself off the hook on this matter. But I would say I am 95% on track.
Yet the weight is still not dropping.
I was 267 pounds this morning, so between Friday and Monday, I somehow gained 3.4 pounds.
My goal this week was to get to 250. A goal that has been there for a good 5 months now. But at 267 that is a 3 pounds per day average loss over the next 6 days.
It ain’t gonna happen.
I have changed my training to incorporate more high-intensity training. G-Fit twice a week (most weeks), sprinting while running, more lifting.
Not working, at least not working so far.
I have dropped to the level of 260 pounds four times over the past 5 weeks and each time I go right back up.
In the past I have written about, and read a LOT about, a set-point that the body develops over time, and how the body will fight to maintain a certain weight, even an unhealthy weight.
Seems to me that 260 is a set-point for me.
Talking to Meaghan, to Jennifer D, to anyone who will listen, all results in the same “keep at it” response, and it is the correct response, but as Meghan put it to me often, fighting off a case of the “fuck its” can be hard when it seems nothing works.
This is going to be a challenging week for many reasons, but I am going to do my best to get through it and emerge on the other side stronger than I am today. I feel myself spiraling, and I am doing my best to right the ship before it gets out of control. I know I am stronger than this, both mentally and physically. I need to regain it and persevere.