I am THISCLOSE to a “To Hell With It” moment …
I know that this is not something most want to hear from me, but this blog in the past has been my haven, my outlet, my sanctuary … my “safe place” to write what I was feeling and how I was doing in a way that might portray me in a bad light from time to time. And I am OK with that. It is who I am, warts and all, and to be honest at this point in my life I really only need a handful of people’s approval. I understand that I am a flawed person, and I try VERY hard to combat that every day.
Every weight loss program, no matter how positively it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and you need to be fixed
I have been trying very hard also to stay positive on my current training heading to the 100-mile Infinitus trail run in May, but to be honest I am concerned. I promised my coach to not let negative thoughts enter my psyche but the further along it gets the harder it has been. With every race, event, and training session, hobbling back to my car, climbing the three flights of stairs to my apartment, my feet and ankles screaming at me, the dark thoughts make their way into my brain. I sit on my couch, applying both heat and ice to my ankles, pouring through books like Ultra Running Training, Run Less Run Fast, and Fixing Your Feet trying to find any golden nugget that will help. I slather my feet with Trail Toes, use ibuprofen patches, Injinji socks, and the result is still the same. Sore feet. Tight Achilles. And all the time the thought keeps creeping to the front of my brain … if this is what it feels like after 10 miles, how am I going to do 100?
The longer you hang in there, the greater the chance that something will happen in your favor. No matter how hard it seems, the longer you persist, the more likely your success.
Most of it, if not all of it, is related to my weight (as always) yet the number on the scale refuses to drop. This morning it passed 270 pounds again. It gets harder and harder to keep to a strict, healthy diet the past few months, even though I try my damnedest. I eat my salad with chicken breast, run my miles, and the scale goes up. I lift, do boring treadmill repeats, feel like puking while gutting through lunges and goblets squats, and the number increases each morning. I can’t sleep at night, even though I am falling asleep at my desk during the day. Once 8 PM hits I am wide awake. I try to read to make myself tired, then hit the pillow and eyes come wide open. Even if I manage to fall asleep at a decent time, some absurd dream wakes me up, and then I am awake … until it’s time to get up and go to work, at which time I seem to not be able to get my ass out of bed.
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. ~ Robert Fulghum
In last night’s dream I was still in the Navy, being assigned a lower rack and getting my gear unpacked, trying to see if I remembered my charger for my phone and seeing if I had a signal of any kind. Going on deck and being asked by another sailor if they could run with me while I train. Realizing that it is February, it dawns on me if I am gone for 6-months that it will mean I will miss the trail run in May, and trying to send a text to Meghan to tell her that I will probably still be at sea, unless they give me an early release date since my end of service was in June, but that training was going to be harder unless we pulled into ports where I could get some climbing work while on liberty. I looked over the side of the ship and saw a bunch of Dolphins following us, so was trying to record it on my phone to send to Jennifer when a swell hits us and my phone goes over the side.
Wide awake at 4 AM ….
So, with all this negative happening there HAS to be SOME good things right?
I have noticed that my feet hurt bad after the race or training run, but the next day they are usually OK enough that walking hurts very little (they ALWAYS hurt some no matter how much I rest them). This is an improvement. After a 13.1 mile race they used to hurt for three-four days. I guess I can hang my hat on that.
I know saying this is going to bother coach and a few others, but training alone is still a problem for me. I guess I am just not mentally strong enough to push through things unless I have someone with me, counting on me, etc. And yes, I know that when I start that race in May I will be on my own, but here’s the thing … if training with people helps me now, then the training is getting done, so I’ll be more prepared when the race hits. Most of the mental issues I have during races is more to do with physical issues over mental, and in training it’s more mental than physical. If that makes sense.
But, I am sticking to it. I have to see two doctors this week; my rheumatologist and my endochronologist. I will talk to both of them about these issues. I need to find out why the remicaid and methotrexate doesn’t seem to be helping the pain in my toes and feet, and then explain to the endo that taking me off the testosterone injections has caused numerous issues; sleep, weight gain, personal performance issues (not getting into detail there but you can imagine), overall weak feelings. It has to be connected, right?