The Slow Death Spiral of the Soul

I have been noticing the past few weeks how easily it is to lapse back into laziness and bad habits. A couple of weeks ago, on a Sunday after a 30 mile ride, I started feeling a tickle in the back of my throat, which then ended up being later that night a full blown coughing attack. Non-Productive of course, which led to a sore throat the next morning.

Sore throat? Big Deal. I have had sore throats before and this one felt no different, except for as Monday went on I started feeling …  Tired. Not the normal “I’m at work and it sucks” tired, but an overall lethargy and bone weariness that would not let up. By that night I knew I had contracted something. Every time I laid down to sleep flem would coat my throat and I could not breathe, to the point that I had a few panic attacks. I slept in my chair that night, as best I could, then got up and went to work. By Thursday afternoon it was so bad that my boss yelled at me and made me go home.

I don’t get sick like this. Yes I have the occasional migraine, but getting a cold or the flu does not happen to me. I hate it. I hate feeling like that, but with medicine called in by Jennifer I started feeling better by Sunday, but on threat of bodily harm I did not do the ride that day (though I did drive over to support the team and to see Jennifer). I took another day off on Monday just to make sure I was over it fully, and then back to work on Tuesday feeling OK. A residual could which I still have, but otherwise alright to resume training.

Except I haven’t.

I made my ride on Sunday. 41 miles with major cramping issues the last 5 that caused me to fall off my bike. I write that up to two weeks of illness. But here’s the thing … I have not trained at all since then other than the one ride. And I have done this with such ease that is scares me. It shows once more that the lazy, fat, couch potato is still in me and still can take control when he wants to. Long time readers know that this entity’s name is Rick.

And Rick is a Dick.

I feel so much better when I train, and I know this so well, so why is it still so easy to just go home after work and sit in my chair and watch TV all night? I hate myself while I am doing it, so why do I do it?

Jennifer asked me a question last night on text. She was angry with me, so it is not in context, but the question is valid. She asked “Do you enjoy the endurance sports?”. The answer is that yes, I do, but it is not that simple. I don’t know if you have picked up on it, but I am not really a “people person” …. I stay to myself at work, I like solitude …. Except for when training.I like being with people then. It helps me keep going, it gives me direct feedback on my strengths and weaknesses, and riding with a friend, especially someone like Jennifer, makes it worthwhile. Would I still do it if I had no one else? Probably, but I would race as much, more about finances than want though.

And here’s the thing about this … I have been like this my whole life. It is who I am, and I am not going to be made to feel bad or guilty for being who I am.

Today my plan was to bring my bike to work and hit Flatwoods afterwards for two or three loops, but of course I had a meeting at the end of the day 23 miles in the opposite direction, so I am going to go home instead.

I need to fix this.

2 thoughts on “The Slow Death Spiral of the Soul

  • March 16, 2016 at 6:09 pm
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    Dude,

    Life happens and sometimes our perceived “laziness” is our body telling us we might need a break. Most times when this happens to me, I come back stronger and faster then if I would have kept training. So although you say you are not going to be made to feel bad or guilty for who you are, you also are saying you have some self-loathing when you are doing it. Is that the conundrum you feel?

    I can relate to this, but Rick may not be such a Dick, he may just be a tool that can help you break some “rules.” Thanks for sharing your story!

    • March 16, 2016 at 6:12 pm
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      Self loathing is s friend of mine from way back 😉

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