Freedom at Point Zero

I think the first thing I need to do in this post is apologize for letting the writing go for so long. Other than the recent race report I have been remiss in my duties to chronicle my training and state of mind for what seems like a very long time. Not sure how many noticed that, but I did, and I have missed it.

The reasons have been few, but to the point that I felt writing at that time would have given the wrong impression of what I was going through and where I was currently standing. I have had, to be honest, a hard past few weeks. If you read the last race report you know that I had a hard time with it. Even though it resulted in a better time overall than the previous race, I came out of it in pretty bad shape, both mentally, physically, and even spiritually. I sat down initially to write on Saturday, but events that day made me hold off once more. I will try to explain the issues I am having without being harsh, or too grim.

It is becoming clear that once more the majority of my issues with training is related to my weight. This is the second year that I have been bouncing between 275 and 280. Although I eat clean and train consistently, the weight is not coming off. I’m tired of trying everything and nothing working. The recent finding of sleep apnea has helped in my energy levels for sure (although I still struggle with the CPAP machine) the weight still has not reduced.

And the weight is the underlying issue with the pain I am feeling. The soreness in my feet and ankles after a long run is due somewhat to the arthritis, but has a lot to do with 275 pounds of fat pounding it for 4 hours.

After talking to my coach I decided to go back strict NSNG to see if that can kick-start me back on a downward trend. Though I have reduced sugar and grains, the past year or so I have added back in some of the “white stuff”, so I wanted to see if that perhaps may be the culprit. I started back on December 1. On the morning of December 2nd I weighted in at 276.7 pounds. This morning, December 7th, I weigh 270.2 pounds. 6.5 pounds in 5 days. Once again, my body reacts on its own, and apparently even the tiniest bit of grain affects me.

I’m very special …

Mentally and spiritually I have taken a few hits recently, and to be honest, they are hits that I should have taken. I have always thought of myself as one of the good guys. I am honest with people, I don’t double talk, or undercut others, I don’t intentionally hurt others, and I don’t voice an opinion that I do not believe in, while at the same time try to be open to others views even if I don’t agree (as long as they argue respectfully). It was pointed out to me that I am not as good of a man as I thought I was, or perceived myself to be. In my attempt to be true to my needs while at the same time take care of people I feel obligated to care for, I have become a “lesser man”. The bottom line, the epiphany I came to this weekend, is that sometimes you have to live a life not 100% happy in order to make sure others are, and I have to come to grips with that. I have my training to fill my “happiness void” and that will have to suffice for now.

So, starting over once again in both life and training, but there is a certain calmness in that I think. There is a type of freedom at point zero that you can only achieve once you reach it.

8 thoughts on “Freedom at Point Zero

  • December 7, 2015 at 11:30 am
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    Hey John –
    Starting over is hard – thanks for sharing your starting line. I hope you are able to get on track with the things that are most important to you. Remember – you’re stronger than you think!!

    • December 7, 2015 at 11:31 am
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      Thanks Emily 🙂

  • December 7, 2015 at 4:42 pm
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    You are a great guy John and I will you the very best of success!

    • December 7, 2015 at 4:44 pm
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      You are a good guy, IMHO. I wish you the best of success in all that you do!

  • December 7, 2015 at 5:40 pm
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    In recovery parlance, we call what you’re leaning to do “giving it I away to keep it”. Rather than blow smoke up your ass, which wouldn’t be very much fun, bro, I’ll say this: The joy in helping others outweighs its difficulties IF you look at it from a specific perspective. When I help someone else, I am helping to make their life better. For instance, I made a commitment to co-chair a special meeting, once a week for four weeks. One of those four days fell on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I was up at my in-laws on vacation. I drove more than two hours back home, met my commitment, went to breakfast with a friend and drove two hours back. Did it suck? Of course it did, but when I got to the meeting, two of my noobs commented on how incredible it was that I showed up, in a rain storm no less. I showed them what it’s like to go to any length to stay sober, even after 23 years… They’ll remember that I did that for decades (or they won’t). Either way, I did what was right and stuck to my commitment. I was filled with a tremendous sense of gratitude the whole ride home. Maybe try looking at your perspective… at least that’s something you can change. It’s the one thing you have control over.

    Good luck, brother.

    • December 7, 2015 at 5:42 pm
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      Great post. Thanks man.

  • December 7, 2015 at 7:40 pm
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    Oh John. My friend. If you only knew how far from zero you are. You are so much farther ahead of the curve than YOU will give yourself credit for. Let both do this….. Let’s cut the shit. Right?? The Vinnie and Anna “ism”. Eat NSNG. Plain and simple get sleep. And move. I am excited for you about the sleep thing….. Maybe the weight loss is finally part of getting real rest and recovery and your hormonal system getting a CHANCE in hell to do its job at night? John I need you to do what you know how to do!!! Because I am doing a 70.3 in 9 months and I want you to help me. Because I believe and trust that FST guy that has written all those great blogposts. YOU should too! FYI I know John personally so dont anyone think I am attacking him. He’s a friend and someone I look up to. You are NOT a zero John. Maybe just grinding out of neutral.

    • December 7, 2015 at 7:42 pm
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      What 70.3 are you doing?

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