I think the first thing I need to do in this post is apologize for letting the writing go for so long. Other than the recent race report I have been remiss in my duties to chronicle my training and state of mind for what seems like a very long time. Not sure how many noticed that, but I did, and I have missed it.
The reasons have been few, but to the point that I felt writing at that time would have given the wrong impression of what I was going through and where I was currently standing. I have had, to be honest, a hard past few weeks. If you read the last race report you know that I had a hard time with it. Even though it resulted in a better time overall than the previous race, I came out of it in pretty bad shape, both mentally, physically, and even spiritually. I sat down initially to write on Saturday, but events that day made me hold off once more. I will try to explain the issues I am having without being harsh, or too grim.
It is becoming clear that once more the majority of my issues with training is related to my weight. This is the second year that I have been bouncing between 275 and 280. Although I eat clean and train consistently, the weight is not coming off. I’m tired of trying everything and nothing working. The recent finding of sleep apnea has helped in my energy levels for sure (although I still struggle with the CPAP machine) the weight still has not reduced.
And the weight is the underlying issue with the pain I am feeling. The soreness in my feet and ankles after a long run is due somewhat to the arthritis, but has a lot to do with 275 pounds of fat pounding it for 4 hours.
After talking to my coach I decided to go back strict NSNG to see if that can kick-start me back on a downward trend. Though I have reduced sugar and grains, the past year or so I have added back in some of the “white stuff”, so I wanted to see if that perhaps may be the culprit. I started back on December 1. On the morning of December 2nd I weighted in at 276.7 pounds. This morning, December 7th, I weigh 270.2 pounds. 6.5 pounds in 5 days. Once again, my body reacts on its own, and apparently even the tiniest bit of grain affects me.
I’m very special …
Mentally and spiritually I have taken a few hits recently, and to be honest, they are hits that I should have taken. I have always thought of myself as one of the good guys. I am honest with people, I don’t double talk, or undercut others, I don’t intentionally hurt others, and I don’t voice an opinion that I do not believe in, while at the same time try to be open to others views even if I don’t agree (as long as they argue respectfully). It was pointed out to me that I am not as good of a man as I thought I was, or perceived myself to be. In my attempt to be true to my needs while at the same time take care of people I feel obligated to care for, I have become a “lesser man”. The bottom line, the epiphany I came to this weekend, is that sometimes you have to live a life not 100% happy in order to make sure others are, and I have to come to grips with that. I have my training to fill my “happiness void” and that will have to suffice for now.
So, starting over once again in both life and training, but there is a certain calmness in that I think. There is a type of freedom at point zero that you can only achieve once you reach it.