It has been suggested to me that I needed to write more positive posts. The exact term was
“I hope to read more Happy Go Go Posts soon”
What took me aback was that I thought I was writing positive posts, but I think my positive is not the same as most people’s. To me, being positive is recognizing the negative, putting the negative out there on paper, or in words, and dealing with it. For too long I kept most of my thoughts inside, except to very few people who I felt comfortable speaking my true thoughts to (and none of them were spouses, and only one a girlfriend, so that should say something as to my choice in partners right?). It wasn’t until 2-3 years in to writing this blog that I started writing about my inner thoughts and feelings on subjects.
This has been met with anger
“How dare you question my eating habits!! I am unfriending thee!!”
“Do you think you might want to see a counselor about these things?”
“You have no qualifications so how can you give advice on anything?”
And genuine appreciation
“Thank you for saying this. It’s good to know I am not alone out here.”
I will be honest; it used to bother me that some people didn’t like what I had to say or took exception to the way I said things. Most of the time, but not all, the people who get the most upset really don’t know me, so they have no idea who I am as a person. I use the example of Kate Thompson a lot in this instance.
I first met Kate through a mutual interest in the Vinnie Tortorich podcast and through another mutual friend. In the course of the normal Facebook messaging we discovered that we worked just a block away from each other so we set up a lunch meeting to discuss the blog and podcast (which was new at the time). After talking for a while she looked at me and said
“You know, I thought you were going to be a real asshole”
We have become friends since, and still have differences of opinion now and then, but I think she has learned to over look my gruffness.
The truth is that I CAN be an asshole, and I know this, and it seems to be getting more prevalent the older I get. I am becoming my grandmother. I think the difference in MY inner asshole and what other perceive to be that is not truly asshole behavior, but aloofness, or at least the appearance of aloofness. What I am not is an asshole just to be one. I have noticed that when the majority of people put that label on me it’s because I happen to disagree with something they believe in, like say, veganism. It’s not that I disagree with the vegan lifestyle. The opposite is true actually. It’s the vegan I have problems with most of the time, because I have questions, honest questions, about the science behind it and it is almost impossible to ask a question of a vegan without it being taken as an attack on their morals and beliefs.
Seriously, if you don’t know the answer, just say you don’t know. It’s OK to not know something.
So I have been trying to be more positive about things, but life doesn’t like to cooperate much in this regard. Even when I think I am being positive it’s taken as being negative, or that I am being a smart-ass (shocker right?).
A little “work story” …
Back in November of 2014 we were going through a re-org and everyone was being reassigned to different departments. That is a scary thing, as some of you know. The new org chart got out before it was supposed to which resulted in high anxiety, prompting a meeting of all staff with our department director. I think it is important to state that this director had been over us for a year and this was the first time 90% of the staff had even seen her. Personally, I didn’t even know what she looked like.
In county government this is known as “leadership”.
Anyway, she basically told us that nothing was set in stone and that everyone had a spot and no one was going to have to reapply for their positions.
Translation: Everything you saw is real but we weren’t ready to have you see it yet.
So, I tried to look at the positive. My group assignment at that point was out of scope from what I was hired to do three years ago, so this new assignment would be my chance to get back to what I do best. It’s a positive thing. It might allow me to grow a little and use my skill set.
See? Positive spin!
Then a week later we were told that all Principal Business Analysts (which is my title) would have to fill out a “Job Assessment”, which is basically a one page, condensed, resume showing what we have been working on the previous 6 months.
Sounds like we are re-applying for positions right?
But I stayed positive. This was my chance to show once again my level of experience, my two masters degrees, my abilities and interests.
Side Note: Most of my management staff had no idea I have two maters degrees and, worse yet, put no value on that level of education and experience. Most take it as a threat. It’s sad actually.
As far as training and racing, this has been a challenging year, as expected. Where finding training partners was once challenging, it has now turned to near impossible. Either the people I trained with are no longer training, train sporadically, or are too fast for me to join with, so I have ended up training alone quite a bit, and that has gotten progressively worse throughout the year. It is something I am working on. I need to find the right frame of mind to push myself without the “need” to have others counting on me to be there (if that makes sense). With the psoriatic arthritis issue, couple with weight gain and mental fatigue, this year, and probably next year, has been reduced to a bunch of sprints and a two half marathons. Still a full year so this can be a positive thing right? I can use 2015-2016 as “re-connection” years. Starting from scratch. Finding my mojo once more and hitting 2017 with “tabular rasa”.
So, this is in its base essence a Happy Go Go post in that I have decided to take 2015 for what it is/was; a learning experience. New lessons, and a re-connection to lessons I had learned in the past but needed a refresher course in, basically, that the heart can over rule the brain and that needs to be controlled. But it also needs to be remembered that without the heart, the brain dies. As much as we want to, the heart can only be fooled for so long.
I also know that the easiest thing to be in the world is our selves. Who we are is our baseline, our comfort, and trying to be someone else that goes against who we are at our root just results in more unhappiness. I liken this to some of the things that Ben Greenfield and other bio-hackers write about. Being healthy should not be that difficult, and if I must have a degree in biology or sports medicine, dump supplements in my body, or buy a squatty potty, in order to be healthy, then there’s something wrong with that. being healthy should be a baseline and pretty easy to find, much like who we are as people. If I have to WORK to be something, then it’s not who I am, and will eventually blow up in my face.
As the old saying goes, I am who I am, and people who matter won’t mind, and people who do mind, in the big picture of things, don’t matter … no matter how it feels at the moment.