“If you don’t like, what you see here, get the funk out” ~ Gary Cherone, Extreme, “Get the Funk Out” from the LP “Pornograffiti”
In case you have not noticed, I have been in a serious downward spiral lately. I am not sure what the reason is, as these moods are hard to define and qualitate, but when they hit they hit hard, and they don’t like letting go. As with most things in life, it is far too easy to place the blame on outside forces, how others moods affect your own, perceived mistreatment or disrespect, things of that ilk, when the bottom line is no one else should have that kind of effect on you personally, and especially not when it comes to taking care of yourself.
But it is hard. It is difficult to explain these things to those who have never dealt with depression or anxiety, because it is not easily defined. I normally do not use the words “depressed” or “anxious” when someone asks me what’s wrong, because it inevitably leads to the next question of “why?”.
To anyone who has dealt with these issues, we understand how irritating a question like that is, because we don’t know “why”. There are triggers for sure, and sometimes we can identify those triggers, but most of the time it comes out of nowhere. Take two Sunday’s ago, for example. I was in the bathroom taking care of things in prep for Monday morning, and all of a sudden my heart rate shot sky-high (over 220 bpm). I started coughing, like I couldn’t breathe, but not because of a tickle. It felt like something was sitting on my chest. Nothing was happening physical at the time. All I had done was grab a cotton ball from underneath the sink. It was the worst panic attack I had gone through in over a year, and it took a good 20 minutes for it to subside, but had gotten so bad at one point I almost had my son call 911. And I don’t do things like that, but this scared me.
This weekend was a whole different story. I could not will myself off my couch. At all. I managed to get on the bike trainer Saturday for an hour, and do some walking afterwards, but that was a chore in itself and though I did complete the scheduled work I don’t think I gained much from it. My issue has been lately that my muscles feel fatigued. All the time. The problem with this is I don’t really know if it’s my head that’s the issue, or if it is something medically wrong, since I have so many things going on lately and take way too many pills for my own liking.
What pills you ask? Well, it’s my page and information so I don’t mind sharing. This is what I take:
- Testosterone injection (self-administered) once a week
- Lisinopril (daily)
- Thyroid replacement (daily)
- Folic Acid (daily)
- Hydrochlorothiazide (daily)
- Methotraxate (weekly)
- Estrogen blocker (not sure of drugs name) (weekly)
- Multi-Vitamin (daily)
- Remicade Infusion (every 8 weeks)
Just too much.
I hate taking pills, and I hate becoming one of those old people who has a drugstore lined up on the kitchen counter and needs a pill reminder app. But I am fast becoming “that guy”.
I came into work today and when people asked me if I had a good weekend I could not tell them yes. I did nothing all weekend. For some, that is a good weekend, but I think having nothing to do makes my anxiety worse. If I get out in the morning and ride or run I don’t have these issues. It’s only when I have nothing planned, or as I have determined, nothing planned with others. I have zero will power if left to my own devices. And I know some reading this will say “well, just go do something” and only people who deal with this issue will understand how hard that is at times. I KNOW it will make me feel better. I KNOW it is the thing I need to do. But making myself KNOW it and DO it can be a stretch, especially if there is no one waiting on me to actually do it.
I was reviewing a few other sites in preparation for this post (yes, I actually do research and prepare. Shocker I know) and found a page (HERE) that reviewed ways to pull yourself out of a funk. The first step was to review your “biological balance” by looking at the following:
- Are you going to bed at a decent hour? How is your sleep?
- I normally go to bed around 10 but often not asleep before 11-11:30. I have never really been a good sleeper, and toss and turn all night (not to mention about 4 trips to the bathroom on average). If I look at my sleep tracker (yes I track my sleep) it says I average between 5.5 and 6.5 hours a night.
- Are you eating well and keeping your blood sugars stable?
- I think I eat pretty well. Others might say I do not eat enough, but I notice if I push the calorie intake past a certain point I feel sluggish and, off, so I tend to keep it in the 1800-2000 range.
- Could you be Vitamin D deficient?
- Could be I am sure. Most everyone is these days.
- Are you stressing your liver with too much alcohol and processed foods?
- Nope. I don’t drink and I don’t eat processed foods.
- Are you dieting or not eating enough calories?
- Some would point to this for sure. I am not “dieting” but I do follow a lifestyle that can result in pretty low-calorie intake.
I believe we have to acknowledge when we get like this in order to best work through it. For years I would not admit to being “depressed” until it got to the point that I needed real help. Friends seem to think I am spiraling down that path again, but here’s the thing … I KNOW what depression feels like, and although there are similarities right now, this isn’t the same feeling. Some of this is a stuck feeling, and not being able to see a way out of what is coming in the future. I just feel …. tired …. all the time. Saturday I got up around 7:30 AM, ate some fruit for breakfast, sat down in my chair, and fell asleep. I woke up at 11 or so, watched a movie, then fell asleep. I think if I had not removed myself from bed at 7:30 I could have slept all day long with no problem. And it doesn’t affect my sleep at night, because I was right back in bed at 10 and sleep by 11. There is something wrong and I am not sure what it is.
I sent a request for blood work and appointment to my doctor to see if there is anything there, but there wasn’t last time. I have my gear for a run tonight, and will do my damnedest to will myself out there to get an hour in, but it is going to be heard. I know this was an odd post, but this is my sanctuary and my outlet. Even an option mentioned in the article above was to journal, which this, in essence, is for me. A way to work through things on paper. And to subject all of you to it as well.
You’re welcome. 🙂