I knew before the year started that this year was going to be challenging. I knew what my plan was as far as racing went. I know I was cutting back on long distance events. I knew I was going to refocus as if it was year one. I knew all of this.
What I did not know was how hard this was going to be; physically, emotionally, mentally.
I have been having a motivation issue. I have had these in the past, but I have been able to work my way out of them quickly, usually after a few days. This down cycle has been dogging me for months, and I am starting to wonder if it will ever end.
I thought maybe it was the lack of racing events that has sapped me of any mojo left in me. Normally by this time of the year I have completed at least three triathlons and probably a couple of runs. This year I have DNF’ed Disney’s marathon and ran the Rock n’ Roll DC half marathon (in 3:44:13).
I know there is a spot in the year where the races will come quickly. I have 7 from May 23rd through September 12th, plus another Rock n’ Roll half in Savannah and Space Coast half at the end of the year, so all told that will be 11 races in 2015. I guess that’s not bad when you look at it overall, and maybe it is just this empty point in the year that has me feeling … down … but the thing is, I know this feeling that is creeping over me like a wet, heavy blanket. I have dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, and this feels all too familiar. I am fighting it before it takes hold of me, and in the past 4 years training for races has been the answer.
But maybe it was more than that?
I have been struggling to train on my own.
For some reason, some personality fault within me, I have a hard time self motivating. Even the idea of performing badly in a race is not enough to get me to push myself out the door sometimes, to get that extra mile in, or one more ride. The first two years I was all over it. I would bolt from work to get out to the trail to get a few loops in before work, or to get a quick 4 mile run in. Now, it seems I spend most of my day hoping something will come up to give me the excuse to not go out there.
I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I don’t want to be last anymore.
But for some reason the WANT of it is not enough to get me out and training.
Well, let me clarify that. I HAVE been training. I do all of my assigned workouts, diligently. I am still active 5 days, sometimes 6 days, each week. I run, I ride, and I swim, plus I lift more now than I have in the past. But if you ask me if my heart is in it, I’d have to be honest and tell you it is not.
I think I lost my will to push last season. Seeing my results get worse and worse, then finding out why, just took it out of me. This has resulted in me holding back in training. A lot from fear of the pain that may or may not come, but mostly from this sense of just … tiredness.
So why do I still manage to get out there?
It is that simple.
I know how much I am struggling with my weight as it is. I eat healthy, I am active, and yet I still weigh 258 pounds. If that is the case, can you imagine what I would weight if I stopped training and racing??
It haunts my dreams.
I don’t share the “fat dreams” with people, but I get them all the time. Jennifer tells me all the time that I never share my dreams, or when I do they are always negative.
That’s because they mostly are negative.
I classify them like that, by the way. I have my “fat dreams” where I have been so big I could not get out of my chair. I also have my “navy dreams” where I am still in the service, floating on some random ship, and discovering that I don’t have my uniforms with me, or I forgot something in the last port.
Sounds like John has control issues…
I hear you out there …
Since readers of this blog have come to expect honesty from me I will be honest here (to a point) …
I can track this to an incident at the end of last year.
I have a hard time trusting people, so when a trust is broken, and frayed, I have a hard time recovering from it, and have a harder time trusting people fully again. My feelings may not have changed, but that inner voice holds me back from giving 100%. This tends to affect me everywhere, including training. It’s yet another character flaw in me.
My coach told me that if she had it her way I would do no racing the entire year, and this scares the hell out of me, because the little motivation I still have is directly related to racing. I am not sure, without the day-to-day in person contact I need, that I would be able to do it, and I am deathly afraid of looking in the mirror on December 31st and seeing that 300-pound man looking back at me again. It is too easy to fall off that wagon, and I know those reading this without weight issues have no clue as to what I am saying, but just trust me on that … no one likes being over weight. No one chooses in their heart to be fat and slow. I want to be an example of how to overcome these things and reach your potential, and I have felt recently I have not been a good steward of this, though I try. If nothing else, use me as an example of the “everyone goes through it” model.
I’ll try to be better …