It’s unsettling when changes start happening and you are not sure where things will end up in the end isn’t it?
It doesn’t even have to be a huge change. Just a slight variation can have lasting effects on many things; like dominoes it only takes one to falter before everything comes crashing down. Jenny found that out a couple of years ago, how just a slight change in how you were sitting or riding the bike could make the whole thing fly out from under you. Luckily she was OK and came out of it coherent and with a pretty cool scar on her forehead after a trip to the hospital. Could have been much worse.
It does connect to the fact, though, how just a slight alteration in your course can have a lasting effect, whether physically, like a scar, or mentally. Change can be exhilarating, but stressful as hell too. There is always excitement in it, but the unknown is scary. You always second guess yourself. I made a decision to walk out of a job that I liked in 2008 because I felt I wasn’t being allowed to grow into a leadership position, and took a job at a larger place that I had been sold on since moving to Tampa. I knew within the first two weeks I had made a mistake, but I buckled down and did the best I could, and I think made effective changes in how they did business, but I made a large error in judgement and placed trust in a certain person and peers that ended up biting me in the end, so when they felt a need to be rid of me (coincidentally after a pretty large adjustment in salary) I had handed them a reason. Not smart on my part. The sobering part of that issue was that no one went to bat for me. Not one person. This “release” resulted in bankruptcy and losing my house. I was out of work for 8 months, and the position I am now in is 40k less than I was making before. But the thing is, much like the first position, I LIKE the people I work with (for the most part). But it has changed me. I don’t trust co-workers, my supervisors, really anyone. It has changed my work habits as well from giving 100% all the time to doing just enough to get by each day until I can leave and get on my bike, or in the pool, or to the track/trail for a run. I do not like being like this professionally, and let me be clear that the work product that comes from me is still top shelf and will always be, but the extra effort, the willingness to stay late or come in early, is gone.
Jennifer faced a change a couple of years ago as well. The decision to leave where she was and seek out new direction was not easy, and has resulted in a decrease in her ability to train like she did in the past, due to new work commitments. On the selfish side this affected me as well, because she is no longer local and I suck at training alone, and if left to that I will fall off the wagon. I know I will. I am a very weak-willed person, especially after long days in a mundane job. Having someone counting on me to be there for training is what gets me there most nights. At my age I am not sure I can change how I am, so I have a couple of options; suck it up and do it, and/or find other people to train with during the week and have training sessions with Jenny on the weekend long rides/runs. I will be honest and say that is a daunting idea to me. Jenny knows me now. She knows how I ride. She knows my strengths and my weaknesses. She knows when she needs to get on me about pushing and when to back off me. Other teammates, though we have trained together before, aren’t that in tuned to me.
For example, right now I am eating potato chips. I have not eaten potato chips in over a year. Why the HELL am I eating them??
OK …. throwing them out right now …
After one more …
So I guess some will read this and thing “Jesus, what a wimp. Suck it up man and just do it”, while others will have a little understanding. I am asking you readers for both. I do need someone telling me to stop being such a, well, you know, but I also need others to be encouraging and keep me going.
Change in life is inevitable. It will always be there. But how we handle the change is what makes us who we are, who we choose to be.
I need to choose who I am going to be …