I had an epiphany yesterday.
I was driving home from a Team in Training ride Sunday and my mind was thinking about the century ride we are training for in June and how, if I stuck with the plan, that I would be very prepared for that event. Not only that event, I thought, but the four triathlon races I also have through the year that will be along the same roads I am training on now. I would have the bike covered.
Then it hit me. The very thought that I could go into a race totally prepared and ready for it is an anomaly.
How sad, and very wrong is that?
I started thinking back to the races I have done in the last 4 years and realized how unprepared I was for any of them, which would explain why my times and overall experiences have never been that great. I hear about people completing races and having “the time of their life” and I have not been able to share that with them, because immediately after a race I am normally sore, in pain, and just need to lie down. I have a race this Saturday in DC and I know right now I am not ready for that race, and I will be in pain by the end of it, probably by mile 4 actually. Others that are going to be there are making plans for later that night; dinner, dancing, sight seeing, and I grin and agree it’s going to be fun, but deep down I am wondering if I am going to be able to walk at all, let alone participate in the festivities.
Don’t get me wrong. After a few days I start to look at the events in a different way and understand that I was having fun, in a way. If I didn’t I’d be one whack-a-doodle to keep going back for more right?
I just want to experience a race like others seem to experience them. Having fun throughout the day, being able to enjoy the sights, the crowd, and not focused on getting one foot in front of the other enough times to finally finish.
I have said before that I would like to get to a point someday where I actually enjoy running, but right now I don’t. I do it because I feel I have to in order to keep the weight from coming back (which it seems to be doing anyway), or lapsing back into my old habits before I started this trek in 2010. What is scary is how fast I know I could go back. I thought for a few years now that there was no way in Hell I would ever allow myself to regress, but I am realizing that it’s a lie. I have been on a sort of lock down for a month now trying to deal with a foot issue and I can see already the bad habits starting to creep back into my life. It would be way too easy to start going straight home after work, sitting in my chair, and watching TV until it was time for bed. To be honest I have done it the last month more times than I’d like to admit to, and it is depressing. What is also depressing is how easy it is for those around me after work to allow me to regress. I understand it is not up to them to keep me on track, but it makes it harder when the crap is put in front of you, or brought into the house again, when I had control over that for awhile.
Fat Dad is present. Fit Dad is not.
And before anyone says, well, you SHOULD be present, these are not little kids. They are grown. The interaction is limited whether I am there or not. They just don’t like me being GONE.
I wonder a lot about how it would be to toe the line of a race knowing you have put in ALL the hours required to do well, that you have left nothing out, that you have prepared every day with 100% effort, and even if all else fails on race day you can walk away saying you gave it your all. The truth is that I have never given it my all. Not always due to lack of will or effort. I have had injuries, for sure, like every one has, but I have also had mental … let’s call them let-downs … that resulted in missed training’s or half-assed efforts.
I am just being honest here.
I have written in the past about my lack of Killer Instinct (I may re-write that old blog post and update it soon). Between us, loyal readers, I think I am full of shit. I hold back, and I do not know why I do it. Maybe if I gave 100% and then failed I have nothing else to give, so that by giving less than 100% I can always say, well, I can do more. Failing at 80% is easier to live with than failing at 100%. Is that even true??
I can blame it on so many things; I have psoriatic arthritis, I have work issues, it’s raining too much to get outside, I have no training partner, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, I need to spend time with my son, and … let’s not forget … I am too FAT to get up those damn hills.
It’s all bullshit, John.
Knock it off …