Little Voices

“There’s an old voice in my head that’s keeping me awake … well tell her that I miss our little talks”
I have been trying to keep a positive and forward thinking attitude this year. I am not one to buy into resolutions, but when I was doing my year end review of my seasons’s races I was disappointed in my results. The hard thing about that is I know I was doing well with training, but for some reason training doesn’t translate well for me. My goal this year is to give training everything I have, concentrate on weight management and nutrition, and push my way to improving. The harder part of this year is that my racing schedule is almost non-existent, at least in comparison to recent years. I am racing from March until September, with barely a month going by once April hits without something on the schedule to focus on … and this year I took the advice of my coach to scale back, get one “tune up” race early season, and spend the rest of the time training. So I have a half marathon in March, and a 70.3 the same month, and then nothing until the end of the year when I meet my Ironman face to face.
I know in my head that this was the right decision, and I always defer to KC’s opinion since she has done this for years and would never steer me wrong, but I have to admit that there is a nagging doubt in my head that I should be racing more … 
I have a confidence issue, and I am not ashamed to admit this. I know I am giving my training everything I have right now but that little voice in my ear (you all know by now that his name is ‘Rick’) is there telling me I am not doing enough, that I am not good enough, that I will not perform well. It doesn’t help that a new medical issue (and what season would be complete without something going wonky with this body) is making some days just unbearable for training (even though I have only missed one day due to it). Last week I felt I had a bit of a breaking point. 
I had a horrible run on Sunday, a planned 10 miler. By mile 7 I was walking, and I had nothing left. My legs were not sore, and my heart rate was fine, but the only way to describe what I was feeling was that my bones ached. And they continued to ache until Wednesday when I was hit by the worst migraine I have had in a few months. I have these headaches on a pretty regular basis, but this one started as a nagging ache in my neck when I woke up, gradually got worse as I sat though a training at Animal Services, and was full blown by the time I got back to my office. I sat there looking at my computer screen for an hour, trying to let it pass, but decided I needed to get out of there, and it turned out it was in the nick of time. I made it to the parking garage before losing the contents of my stomach, recovered enough to get myself home, and then passed out for 4 hours in my chair.
I think I needed it. I felt really good around 10 that night, and that feeling followed through the next few days, culminating in a 62 mile ride last Sunday that was the best ride I have had in a long long time. It was something of a new experience to be doing 22 mph on my bike (thanks to a rider hook up I met on the way). Not that I was doing 22, I can and have done much faster, but I was doing 22 at mile 40 of the ride. That NEVER happens. Part of this was having a moment of clarity when it came to my nutrition. As most know I struggle with weight (in case you though the blog title was being sarcastic) so I was trying my best to do rides with nothing to eat save for what I could drink. And I was continually bonking. So this ride I decided to try something new. I ate on the ride. I ate a Luna Bar on the way to the trail. I ate another at mile 30. And then a ProBar at with 14 left. That’s a lot for me … but the thing is … I felt really good the whole ride. Yes, my back tightened up as usual, but not so bad that it stopped me. I drank 4 bottles of fluid. And I finished that ride strong.
So I should feel pretty good right? 
The thing that kept nagging me all ride was the fact that I missed my training on Wednesday (a 5 mile run) and I was going to have to explain it Sunday night during our call in with our coach.
I am feeling a lot of pressure to perform at a certain level in the two races in March, because if I don’t I feel like I will be persuaded to drop the Ironman. This of course could all be in my head, but I also know that if that is even hinted at Rick will be full blown in my ear again. I feel like I am doing everything I can … I am eating right … though still not losing weight … and I am doing my training plan to the detail required. I honestly don’t think I can do much more than I am doing. I have recorded 5 100 mile training weeks in a row, with last week being 130 and the week before being 170. But I don’t feel like I am getting better.
But maybe that’s just Rick again … 
Fuck you, Rick

%d bloggers like this: