Just One More Paradigm Shift

My post yesterday revolving around my frustrations in the running world met with many, many responses both on here and on the Facebook pages. Seems I am getting pretty good at stirring up conversation, especially in the past two weeks. But the thing is that the conversation is always helpful, running the gamut from “you can do it, don’t give up” to more direct messages about what I need to do in their experience and how I may change the way I am thinking. All of it is heard, and none of it was unhelpful.
To be honest, I have felt myself spiraling a bit recently. And to be even more honest none of it is specifically training induced … it’s just a byproduct. When other parts of your life are challenging and stressful … some out of your control and some self induced (though years in the making), it tends to spill over into the training and becomes less of a joyous thing and more of just another task to be completed before you can go to bed. It’s not a good place to be.
So, time for a change right?

The great thing as I have said many times is the community we have around us; from the triathlon community I started with to the new NSNG community I have since found the past 10 months. The suggestions and support sent my way has been phenomenal.

So here’s the thing, much of what I have posted about concerning my frustrations are really nothing that new. It seems that way to new readers and people just connecting with me online through the various groups, but people that have known me awhile are well aware of my penchant for comparing me to others. I was walking to the gym today at lunch with my stalwart gym partner Dave and we were discussing this issue I have and his comment was “it’s because you’re competitive!”

Um … what?
As I have written about in the past (please go read my post titled “Killer Instinct” if you’re interested) I do not see myself as having that piece in me. It was interesting that Dave sees it come out, and recognizes it, even when I don’t. Maybe I have more of it than I give myself credit for? I am most assuredly not a Type A guy … I am pretty quiet until you get to know me … I am unsure of myself, of my self worth, of my talents and abilities … sometimes to the point of distraction. When I get passed on a race course by someone I don’t feel should be passing me, nothing in me kicks in and pushes me to catch them and beat them. I have been fighting this tendency for 40 of my 50 years. I don’t know where it comes from, but it is a truth and it is there every day. Is it because as they go past me, even if I think I can catch them, I know if I am not able to catch them in the end it will be “just another failure”? Maybe …
One woman on the Facebook page called me on it recently … when I weigh in the morning it auto uploads via wifi to My Fitness Pal. On this particular day I had lost 2+ pounds, so when it uploaded and subsequently posted to my Facebook timeline I got many “atta boy’s” and “great job’s”. My response?
“Yeah but it’s the same two pounds over and over”
She called me on it immediately. “Why do you always look at the negative?”
Good damn question … 

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