Throwing in the Towel

Days like today are the hardest to cope with.
Let me set the stage …
About two weeks ago I was getting a bit frustrated with the weight not coming off. I have been stuck at 240 (plus or minus 3 lbs.) for the better part of 6 months, so I decided that I should try a kick start again, and limited my carb intake down to 25g or less … and for the most part have succeeded in that goal, averaging per day about 24g. The weight initially dropped again, down to 238 last Wednesday. This morning I am back to 245.
And I don’t know why …
I have been careful about everything. I have mis-stepped a few times I admit, but nothing that should have pointed me in the gain direction like it has. This is where it gets dangerous. This is where the urge to say “to hell with it” hits and you dive into the nearest bag of mini donuts.
I was talking with my son last night while we were watching “Almost Human” and he looked at me and said “Dad, can I ask you something without you getting mad?”
Always a dangerous start to a conversation … 
“Sure, as long as it doesn’t involve money, or your Christmas present,” I said.
“What do you miss the most?”
“As far as what exactly?” I was confused by what he was referring to so was treading lightly.
“Food. What do you miss eating the most?”
Wow … that was out of the blue. “Why would you think that would make me angry?” I asked, seriously confused as to the meaning behind the question.
“Well, you get uptight sometimes when you see what I eat and what Mom eats, so I was just wondering if you missed eating like we do at all.”
My son is 19. He is not a little kid, so as far as what he eats at this point I leave up to him. Yes, I do go off time to time because I see him going down the same path I did and I don’t want him to be struggling with weight later in life, but I don’t think I am overly harsh about it, and I refuse to give him money to go to McDonald’s. If he wants that crap he can buy it himself (which is then promptly undercut by his mother buying it for him).
“No, not really,” I answered. “I don’t really think about it most of the time.” But then I thought twice and said “Pizza. I really miss pizza.”
“Pizza, Dad? Really? Out of all the food you could have and ate before, pizza is the one thing you miss??”
“Yep. Pizza”
He left it at that. I should be grateful I guess that he deemed me important enough to actually talk to for a moment. I can go full days without seeing him at all, so the fact that he graced me with his presence is a Christmas miracle in of itself.
Anyway, after that talk I was feeling kind of good about myself, because when thinking about it I really don’t miss anything that much (except the pizza mentioned previously). I don’t miss cake, or pie, or candy. To be honest I don’t really know why I ever ate it in the first place. So I went to bed feeling good and knowing I was doing everything I could.
And then I stepped on the scale this morning. How the HELL have I gained almost 7 pounds in 6 days when I eat like I do? And not only that, in the past week I ran over 12 miles and biked over 50 (I know that fat is lost in the kitchen and not the field but seriously?). It becomes a very frustrating situation when you are doing everything right and it still fails. And it’s not only the eating … I run run run and get no better. I bike bike bike and get no faster.
I already know the responses I will get from this post.
“Throw the damn scale in the trash”
“Focus on the positive”
“If you’re doing all of these things and still gaining weight you must be lying about something”
A member of the NSNG group page, let’s call him ‘Eric’, because that’s his name, wrote me and told me some ideas to plant positive thoughts in my head. It was good advice, but something I struggle with. After a lifetime of negative it’s hard to change to positive. It’s hard to explain and something I am not fully willing to delve into in public (amazing I know) because last time I tried to the attacks I got from my family was almost lethal. Let’s just suffice it to say that I am surrounded by negative people and situations. At work it’s a constant flow of negativity … people hate their jobs, their positions, the political machine that prevents you from making any contribution. After 8-10 hours of that every day you get bombarded by friends and family with negative issues, some of which you can’t do anything about (because as a man I have to FIX everything), so you decide to go for a run and you find yourself performing worse than your previous run so you start focusing on the fact that you have a seriously taxing event in one year and you are not ready for it! So then you come home and play with the dog (finally someone with unconditional love), but then it’s time to go through the bills and man, talk about depressing. One broken down car away from total oblivion … again.
I spiral down fast, I know. It doesn’t take much. This is where the positive friends I have made through this blog and through a few other groups some in handy, because they can definitely make a difference. Being down suck … and I know I should fight through it … but some days are harder than others.
Then again, maybe it’s just because of the rain … 

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