I Never Got The Hang of Juggling

Disclaimer: This post has some personal information and may be a bit “TMI” for some. Feel free to not read it, but if you do, please spare me any judgmental retorts. You cannot tell me anything I haven’t already told myself. J  

I have to be honest in this post. I am having a tough time post race getting back into the swing of things. I am getting the workouts in, but there is no … joy … in them right now. I feel like I am going through the motions. Maybe this is just a normal downward curve after months and months of race build up? No sure, but I don’t remember having this issue last year. Maybe it is because I have NO races on the schedule between now and Ironman Chattanooga next September, so without anything to prepare for short term there is a lack of “urgency” in my head.
This is my danger zone though. This is when I start to get lazy, to cheat on my diet (already happening to some extent … I ate a freaking brownie last night for Christ’s sake), to sit in my chair all day Saturday and Sunday watching football and wondering why my weight is creeping back up.
The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one right??

Even things I do enjoy, like writing this blog, is slacking off (if you haven’t noticed I normally post two to three times a week … lately I’ve been lucky to post one). The inspiration is just not there, and to be honest once more, I am getting tired of pissing people off because of my opinions. It’s not that I mind irritating people (with some it’s rather enjoyable) but the responses I get (the most “colorful” of which I don’t push through to the comments section) can get personal and I am just tired of defending science to people who have no interest in facts.
You know who you are

There are other issues too. Life, in general, does start to get in the way at times. Fallout from the unemployment a couple of years ago still has not been resolved. Having to take a job (PLEASE spare me the “at least you have a job” spiel) making almost half of what I was making is not helping in resolving most of the other issues. House falling apart around me but not wanting to sink any money into the repair if I end up losing the place anyway (let Wells Fargo fix it). One car sitting at 160,000 miles and the other over 100,000 now. Just waiting for one of them to croak. A child that seems directionless and I cannot figure out how to change it. Someone close to me stressed to her max and I cannot help her either. A parent that is now nearly 100% blind that I cannot help financially. Co-workers that throw you under the bus in meeting you are not in, with comments that are not remotely true, but are listened to by your boss as if it’s gospel.
So with all of this swimming in my head it is so much easier at the end of the day to just go home, crawl into a bag of Doritos, and wait until morning. But I cannot do that. I cannot let myself slip back into that mindset and undo that past three years.
I know, to some, this seems like a no-brainer. I know in some readers heads right now the thoughts are ranging from “Jesus dude, just knock it off and deal with it”, to “Harden the Fuck Up”. Rightfully so. There are old friends who have known me since I was a kid that will tell you I have always been this way … and 50 years of life has not changed me that much (personally I don’t believe people change but that’s a post for another time). Probably a mixture of my upbringing, never feeling like you were good enough or being told you were worth much. My grandfather used to tell me that if you worked hard, harder than anyone else, you would be successful, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, professionally or personally. I served this country for ten years, put myself through school afterwards, earned a BA and two Masters degrees, and work my ass off every day only to watch people with less education and experience zoom by me (some of this is my own doing, mistakes I have made in previous jobs, and I fully accept that cause and effect). Even with training I have seen people who train far less than I do, put in fewer hours and miles, eat fast food and sugar laden crap, zoom by me on the race course like I was standing still.  I know (I KNOW) I cannot gauge myself based on others, but it’s still aggravating.
I know this was a ranting post. As I have stated before this blog helps me get things out of my head to hopefully let me work through this issues. I am sorry if you sat through this but I think I am allowed a “poor me” post once every 200 or so. J 

2 thoughts on “I Never Got The Hang of Juggling

  • October 16, 2013 at 3:08 am

    Just read this one to absorb the context and I connected with it on so many levels. Thank you for putting into words those often elusive thoughts some of us deal with quite a bit. I am off kilter myself lately, and it is not like me. I am usually highly motivated but find myself in the weird place more and more as I struggle to make sense of some things. Life does get in the way, but having someone validate feelings can help and I am here to say I validate yours in this post. Yes, we all deserve a “poor me” and thanks for taking the lead for us. I hope you don't mind if your train gets a few passengers. You will be okay because you have resilience. Make a list of the things you want to modify and work from there. That being said, I think I may go take my own advice. Ha-Ha.

  • October 11, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    I'm having a hard time getting back on the bike (so to speak) since Augusta myself. The race tired me out way more than I expected (it was my first half), and not only am I feeling cruddy when I try to workout, but all of life's other stresses seem to be making it difficult to stay afloat right now. Seeing others who did the race get right back out there and go for 10-mile runs and 50-mile bike rides so quickly is pretty frustrating. So, I feel you!

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