What I was afraid of happening is happening, and the saddest thing is I KNOW it is happening and am not doing anything about it.
I am weak.
I need help.
My biggest fear and worry when we found out Jenny got the job at Florida Cancer Specialist was not the fact that I would miss having my partner and best friend. I know I would still see her on weekends. It was the fact that I know myself very well, and without my stalwart training buddy here during the week I would start blowing off workouts.
And I was right …
The frustrating thing is that I knew it would happen, had prepared myself mentally to NOT let it happen … and yet … it happened.
I ran once for 5 miles miles last week.
I suck …
This is with a looming half marathon in less than three weeks … with a 50 mile bike event in December … and a Goofy Challenge (13.1 and 26.2 back to back) in January.
I cannot afford weeks like last week. My performance in running cannot afford this. My weight cannot afford this.
I am falling back to 1996-2010 PJ (pre-Jenny), when I would start workouts strong and inspired, only to fall off the wagon within a few weeks, discouraged because the weight was not coming off me, or because my running hurt my knees and shins and back. The distinct call of the refrigerator in the midnight wind, calling my name ever so softly, beckoning me to the cheesecake, the chips, or … gasp … the unopened can of cake frosting.
I haven’t gotten to that point yet … I have not succumbed.
But last night I surely wanted to … and it scared me.
I am tired after work. It’s not a strenuous job by any means. It’s kind of a brain dead position. Things I could do in my sleep. But that makes it worse. So by the time I leave, with every intention of going to run or going to the gym, I go home … get something to drink … sit down … and then I am done. The difference is that before I wouldn’t have time to go home. I would have to leave work and go straight to New Tampa to meet Jenny for a swim, or a run, or a bike.
Now … before I start getting all kinds of comments along the lines of “Man you just need to suck it up”, or “Jesus JC, how weak can one man be??”, understand that I KNOW this …
It doesn’t help …
The basic fact is that, for me, working out, running, swimming, biking, by myself is boring. I hate being bored. It’s the same issue why I HATE treadmills or trainers. They BORE me. And the other thing that is frustrating is that if I DO force myself I ALWAYS feel better afterwards, but somehow even that is not enough to get me out there some days.
ONE workout for FIVE miles …
THAT can NOT happen AGAIN!!!
I need HELP!!!