Growing Older but Not Up

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I recently wrote a blog about the problems with growing older. It centered around the fact that although I am seeing marked improvement in cardio efficiency, what continues to hold me up is the breakdown of my body. It’s a real frustration. Along with my weight I seem to be in a holding pattern that has lasted almost 10 months.
But no need to rehash all that right now….
I was looking at the participant list for St. Anthony’s and for some reason my age was evident to me this time …
49
Wow. I never thought I would be this close to 50. It is sinking in recently. I think what brought it to the forefront are the body issues; how my feet ache, my back aches, my shins ache, my head aches. I will get through a run hardly breaking a sweat but feel like I was run through a ringer.
I suppose I need to show patience and accept the fact that my body is older and cannot do many of the things I used to do. I am pissed at myself for not taking advantage of a younger body when I had one, although I need to give myself a little slack since I was dealing with cancer and the effects that had on my body (and psyche). I feel like I wasted ten years of my life, and I cannot get that back.
I am trying to regain as much as I can, but at times it feels like it is not working, that the harder I work the results are not there. I have been the same weight for over 8 months. My times in races have not drastically improved (a minute or so). I am going into this triathlon season with both excitement and trepidation because I want to see HUGE improvements, but worried that I won’t.
My plan is to do a full Ironman for my 50th year, which is 2013. I have a Half scheduled in two months, and probably will do another in Augusta at the end of the season. My determination wanes and my motivation is lacking lately.
The other frustration is that my MIND still feels so young. I don’t feel old in my head. I should say old I guess, because 48 isn’t old, but I enjoy so many things that supposedly are for the young; music, movies, books. I feel very out of place even with guys my age group. They seem ancient compared to me, in our talk and actions.
I guess that is a good thing … but one wonders.

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