Be warned that I have a slightly warped sense of humor at times, so nothing here is intended to offend anyone. If you have no sense of humor, please stop reading now. 🙂
Some quotes from various sources (Stephen Wright, Steve Martin, George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg) that I have collected over the years.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together!
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died.
Whenever I fill out an application and it says ‘In case of an emergency notify…,’ I put Doctor. What the hell is my mother gonna do?
If it’s a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, someone’s making a penny
I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said “heaven”, so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
Next week I’m gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.
A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true
Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal‘s out of town.
It’s so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it’s like, religion, you really can’t take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary…but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything any more if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.
I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.
Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “big pain in the ass
And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste
You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can’t find something is that it was stolen? They say “who stole it?!”. It’s an ego defense. They can’t stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
I’ve never been with a 10, but one night I was with 5 twos!
Let me get a sip of water here…you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells “No”] Actually, I don’t care, I drink it anyway. You know why? ‘Cause I’m an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I’m a loyal American and I’m not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.
Government want to tell you things you can’t say because they’re against the law, or you can’t say this because it’s against a regulation, or here’s something you can’t say because its a…secret; “You can’t tell him that because he’s not cleared to know that.” Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought, and basically that’s the game they’re in. Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they’re gonna tell you some things you shouldn’t say because they’re…sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn’t say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; “Here’s something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; here’s something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; here’s something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o’clock when the bells ring.” Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying.